Couple distress and conflict
Most couples experience conflict. It is normal to argue from time to time, and excessive avoidance of conflict can be a problem in itself. However, recurrent unresolved conflict is unproductive, and many couples experience significantly more conflict than they need to. There are many different causes of excessive conflict. See recurrent patterns in relationships for an overview of some of the individual issues and patterns that can contribute to unnecessary conflict.In terms of topics that couples fight about, many couples experience conflict over:
- Money
- Housework / chores / responsibilities
- Time / quality time / lack of time
- Parenting
- Sex
- Mis-matched expectations of each other and the relationship
- Differences in values / wishes / interests or preferences
Often, however, it is not these differences that pose the biggest problem: it is the couple's approach to dealing with their differences that becomes the more major issue. There are a number of unhelpful tactics that couples often adopt when attempting to resolve their underlying disputes. Some common unhelpful approaches include:
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A demand / withdraw pattern, where one partner attempts to get their needs met by instructing their partner to change, while the other partner reacts by switching off or shutting down. The more one withdraws, the more the other demands, and the more the other withdraws, in an ever escalating spiral that drives the couple further apart.
Avoidance of addressing issues in the hopes that they will go away. A related pitfall is assuming that your partner knows, or should know, how you are feeling and what you want. Avoidance can be driven by fear of conflict, difficulty dealing with your own or others' negative emotions, fear of alienating your partner, lack of assertiveness, or difficulty identifying and expressing the underlying problem. In the long run, avoidance leaves legitimate problems unaddressed, often causing them to grow more problematic and entrenched over time. Avoidance can also lead to passive aggressive behaviour, confusion, misunderstanding, and resentment.
Attack and counterattack. In this approach couples point out each others' perceived shortcomings, and each person copes by striking back. This can leave both partners hurt, and with a sense of injustice, reducing their willingness to compromise and negotiate.
Attack and defend. This is similar to attack and counterattack, except that one member of the pair repeatedly defends themselves against perceived or actual criticism. In the end, one person feels berated and put down, and the other feels that their partner is not listening or taking their concerns seriously.
Labelling and blaming, in which couples frame issues in terms of the other person's character rather than their behaviour. For example, one person calls the other lazy or selfish rather than pointing out that the dishes are dirty. Labelling and blaming increases defensiveness, anger, and hurt, and reduces the chances that each partner will engage constructively with the other.
Mindreading and personalizing, in which one partner makes assumptions and inferences about what their partner's behaviour means, e.g. "if he/she really loved me he/she would…" The trouble with this is that such assumptions are very often unfounded and misguided. This kind of reasoning can turn manageable problems into larger issues than they need to be, and can exacerbate a couple's feeling that they don't understand one another.
Overgeneralising, which involves thinking - and saying - that something is more frequent or pervasive than it really is. Overgeneralising statements often start with "You always" or "You never". One outcome can be that the partner on the receiving end feels unfairly accused and unappreciated, and is more likely to "give up" or stop trying, and to take their partners concerns less seriously.
Colouring the relationship black. This occurs when one or both members of a couple see problems in the relationship as a sign that the whole relationship is flawed, rather than viewing problems as contained issues that can be addressed while the rest of the relationship remains intact. Such thinking can make problems seem more threatening and overwhelming than they need to be, leading to reactions and approaches that are out of proportion to the issue at hand.
When conflict is excessive, frequent, or unnecessarily intense, a psychologist can help you to identify and change your unhelpful approaches to problem resolution. Once this layer of interpersonal dynamics is improved, you and your partner are in a position to constructively and collaboratively address your underlying differences together. The ability to do so is a very important ingredient for the long term health of your relationship, and is a cornerstone of relationship stability and satisfaction.